Why I Stopped Asking “Why Me?”

Sometimes, I get really bogged down in the why-me’s.

Why did MY marriage fail? statistically speaking, it shouldn’t have happened. We dated 3 years before getting engaged. I didn’t get married until I was 27. I waited to have my first child at 31. We were college educated – had successful careers. All these things statistically point to marriages which have a low probability of divorce. We should have beaten the odds. But we didn’t. We didn’t. We didn’t. I didn’t.

They say the divorce rate hovers around 50%. Well not in my socio-economic world. I have ONE divorced acquaintance and we became acquaintances BECAUSE we’re divorced. It’s a lonely world this upper-middle class divorce thing.

Okay, so my marriage failed. Shit happens. Fine. But then I start in with the why-me’s of having an angry, vindictive ex. I hear stories about ex-husbands who would do ANYTHING to make sure their kids were well cared for either by them, or their mothers. They willfully help with fixing cars, extra-curricular activities, they talk civilly and kindly to their ex-wives, they attend birthday parties and holidays because they understand that he kids come first. Why does my ex not even look at me? Why will he do anything in his power to hurt me? Why did he take me to court and make me spend my savings just to get a basic level of support?

Yes. Why me?

That leads to a lot of self-blame. Because being a victim is not in my DNA.

What fatal flaw did I make? What road sign did I take a left at, when I should have turned right? What is wrong with me?

Truth is, there’s a lot wrong with me. There’s a lot wrong with all of us because we’re human beings and we make a million mistakes a day. There isn’t some pill you can take to stop being human. You can’t medicate or even meditate the condition away. Believe me, I’ve tried.

You can read the rest here on Scary Mommy.




3 thoughts on “Why I Stopped Asking “Why Me?”

  1. Enjoyed the article, but when I click on ScaryMommy to read the rest it doesn’t bring anything up. Anyway, been there, done it, have the t-shirt, AND the fricking baseball cap! Been divorced for eight years. I’m am beyond much that I didn’t think I’d ever get beyond. You, too, will get beyond. I promise. I think for any of us there will be a moment or a memory that sneaks up and gets us, but life does go on. (This from someone who was married for 25 years before divorce). Btw, you seem to be doing just fine. : )

    • Thank you for letting me know about the broken link… I’ve fixed it now.

      And it’s women like you who help me to understand that one day, I will get through all this crap and it won’t rule my day to day. After 15 months, I’m starting to see the light, but an ex who’s literally INCAPABABLE of co-parenting and putting the children first, makes this so much harder than necessary. But chin up! It won’t be like this forever. And imagine all the strength I’ll have year after year of dealing with this person day in and day out.

  2. I would hazard a guess, it’s not why *you* at all. It’s not YOU that makes your ex petty and vindictive. it’s not YOU that makes him lack paternal care. It’s actually nothing about YOU at all.

    Well, other than YOU have to deal with the consequences.

    But don’t let part of those consequences be you taking on the self-blame for actions that aren’t yours. Behavior that is beyond your control.

    And also — I think statistics are all fine and good, but when you’re married to someone of small character, and you’re a generous, giving, loving soul — I bet those stats are much higher that those marriages don’t last.

    I know, little comfort to be had when you’re going through these hard times. But do try to hold onto the fact that it’s NOT you, not YOU in the least.

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